Coming To Terms - Is It a Lie or Something You Don't Want to Believe?

Opening - This blog is something that has lived in my mind as we have been living the journey of healing from our childhood trauma. I have refrained from writing my truth because this truth will be upsetting for some family members. To put what is real in black and white is going to be a hard pill for some to swallow. In the first couple blog posts, it is important to explain that this isn't a revenge statement. It is about speaking our truth and how we processed it.  This process involves others and their feelings and their past memories. Please read with an open mind and know the intention is not to attack. In fact we have found tremendous compassion in knowing that we are all a result of our childhood be it good or bad. So please read with an open heart and open mind. Don't make decisions based on one post. We all have good days ..... we all have bad days.

 Learning about yourself and people sometimes brings some pretty big perspectives.  One big perspective is that people don't like to deal with the fact that someone they loved, hurt someone else. Coming to terms with the fact that the side they knew, isn't the side another knew can be difficult. It is amazing how the abuser is protected. Our brains have a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that someone they loved, made choices that hurt others. Especially when that person hurts a child. 

This blog may make some people very uncomfortable. They may be uncomfortable with the fact that they knew, or someone they love knew, what was happening to me as a child and did nothing.  They may not want to admit that the person they knew, does not align with what they are reading here. It may be someone they have heard stories about but never knew. It can be unsettling when a person you knew or idolized is found to have another side that does not line up with the way they are seen in your heart.

Cosby is an incredible example. Many grew up with such a love for Dr. Huxtable. It was such a loving wholesome family that was created on TV. No one wanted to believe that our beloved Bill Cosby could be hiding such demons inside himself. No one wanted to believe that someone we saw as the standard of love and kindness, could have parts of him that were as ugly as it comes. Yet it was all revealed.

People often choose to label the person speaking the truth as a liar. They may choose to define the truth as someone seeking attention. Part of the process of growing is understanding the "why" of how our brains work.  It is much easier for our brains to label this new information as someone lying or seeking attention than it is to come to terms with the old information that has solidified itself in our mind.  Choosing not to reprocess old information, our brains then do not have to do the work to to understand that the fact that their interpretation of the person may have been partly incorrect.

The word "partly incorrect" is very important here. New information coming to light does not take away the wonderful memories you had with this person. There was no less love that you felt from that person. You have every right to enjoy those memories. You have every right to cherish the times spent with this person. Many times people believe that they are being asked to take on the feelings of the abused when this truth comes to light. This could not be further than the truth. Your feelings and memories are yours to keep. 

But, what is not acceptable is attacking the abused. Just because what you are hearing does not line up with what you knew, DOES NOT make their truth any less.  Telling someone they don't have a right to their truth because because the person being discussed is dead and doesn't have a chance to defend themselves is not acceptable. For the abused, their memories are still very much alive. Whether you choose to believe them or not, keep those feelings to yourself. Allow room for the possibility that someone may have had a totally different experience. Your reality of that person does not have to change while also leaving room for the reality that they may have caused someone else serious pain. Leave room for the abused to have their truth and allow them to grow.

To be clear, this is not about attacking those that were involved. In the next blog we will explore the understanding that the abuser(s) were also a product of their past experiences. Even the abused have the capability to understand that abuser is a product of the trauma from their own childhood....and to have forgiveness.